I went to the hairdresser this week. In a bizarre turn of events, she is pregnant. Since her last menstrual period was 17 April, which is exactly 2 weeks before we did egg collection, she is officially precisely as far gone as I am. Although it was an accident, she is thrilled and wanted to talk all about 'going through the pregnancy together' while I was there. When she asked me things like where I wanted to deliver I had to tell her that I was a long way off being ready to even think about that! It made me realise all over again how different things are if you haven't experienced this loss, this difficulty in getting to what seems like just a starting point for every fertile.
Several people have asked questions about protocol etc., so here is a quick recap:
- I am taking 20mg of enoxaparin, which I think is equivalent to heparin, and have been since the day after egg collection. This is to respond to my MTHFR mutation. I've found that mostly I don't get bruises, although I do have a couple of impressive ones where I've misjudged the position of the needle. I've also found that these injections hurt more than I expected.
- I am taking 5mg of folic acid a day, also to respond to the mutation. It's a generic 5mg folic acid pill that the doctors at the clinic prescribed for me. Before that I was just chucking down 12 or 13 of the 400microgram standard pills
- We are doing progesterone in oil, due to my early bleed last time. My husband is doing the injections for me, although the week after next I'm due to go away on business so may have to bite the bullet and do them myself. I now have hard lumps on both buttocks. They're quite sore.
- Our six week scan is on 30 May, next Tuesday, which will be 6w1d in official pregnancy-speak. The Monday is a bank holiday so we couldn't do it at exactly six weeks. Believe me, we would have done if we'd had the chance.
I am very much looking forward to, but am also dreading, that scan. I've been planning how I can drop out of my meetings for the rest of the day if it's bad news. I know that chances are that things are fine. But I don't FEEL pregnant. Yes, my boobs are bigger and they ache, but I'm on megadoses of progesterone. Yes, I get odd abdominal aches and pains, but see above with the progesterone. Two nights ago I suddenly decided that my nipples were darker, and H agreed, but now I think maybe I was imagining things. I'm not feeling sick (nauseous to you Americans). I keep thinking that I maybe I'm about to start, particularly when I look at my breakfast, but then I realise that it's really nothing. On the other hand I don't have any symptoms of NOT being pregnant. I'm not bleeding, not spotting at all any more and haven't done since last Thursday (of course, having written that, I'm waiting for the sky to fall).
I think I'm getting a little better, though. Although I check my underwear every time I go to the loo, which is quite frequently, I'm now not terrified of seeing something. There's quite a lot of dampness there, which I hear is normal, and that's what has sent me running to the loo several times to see if it's blood. But so far so good. At our lovely anniversary dinner on Tuesday night I carefully avoided the cheese course. We even touched on, very lightly, the need to buy a new car if this continues as I won't be able to continue to get in and out of H's sports car. Then we both touched wood and got on with our dinner.
Oh the obsession. It is exciting, but mostly I'm not letting myself get too excited. I wish I could but every time I remember someone else's horrible experience, and I feel chastened. So for now I'll just keep going, trying to let myself be joyful when I can, but also allowing that this is also terrifying, and sometimes it's ok to be terrified.