You know, I'd forgotten how fucking dificult the two week wait is. I wonder if it's like childbirth. Not that I'm that well informed about childbirth, you understand, but I've been told that after you give birth you forget how awful the pain was. That this is 'nature's way' of ensuring that you are prepared to go through it again. Do you think the 2ww is the same? Of course, I remembered that it was shit, and I've posted on enough people's blogs to get regular reminders that it sucks, but I had honestly forgotten just how unbelievably stressful and anxiety-making it was.
As you can tell, I'm a basket case. I am managing to hold down my job because it's a good distraction mechanism from all the pain, but it's not distracting enough that every time I feel a cramp, I don't freak out. Even though I have never started bleeding on day 10 of the luteal phase before, I am still rushing to the bathroom every 2 hours to check that there is no blood. So far there is no blood. This morning there were no cramps, but this afternoon they are back again (I document this, you understand, for my future sanity should I have to do this again. Last time I was scarily slapdash about recording every symptom). Luckily, so far, they are not dull, achey period-y pains, but more sharp cramps, often around the ovaries. So I am not despairing yet, although I was earlier this afternoon when I thought I felt the onset of achiness. So I don't know what's happening, I just don't know.
So my first battle is to wake up tomorrow and not find blood on the toilet paper. That would be a little mini-victory. And then I guess the second mini-victory would be to do the same on Saturday. And then Sunday, and Monday. I have never had a luteal phase of longer than 12 days before, so being blood-free until Monday will be a major win if we get that far.
If we get that far, I am tempted to pee on a stick over the weekend. By Sunday it will be 11dp2dt and we should be able to see something if there is anything. However, H has asked me not to test. He wants to go with what the doctors say, which is that urine tests are unreliable this early, and blood tests are the only way to go. I know that Suz, for one, might agree with him. He knows that if it's negative I'll freak out, and he wants me to stay positive as long as possible. I don't know. I don't know if I can last that long. I don't currently have any peesticks at home, except for maybe an old clearblue digital, but I know that that one is not accurate enough to use this early, so I'll have to go shopping before I can indulge myself. Part of me doesn't want to find out, however - the part that wants a pregnancy to stay a possibility for as long as possible. That might mean just until tomorrow morning, or it might mean until Monday. Or, if I'm really, really lucky, it might go on longer than that.
It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway, that you are all wonderful and I honestly can't imagine doing this without you. Thank you so much for all the support.