Thanks for everything yesterday, everyone. You are the best. I'm worried that what I'm about to write is going to be self-pitying and ungrateful, so please either cut me some slack or skip this post, probably you should just skip through to next week in fact.
The chances of a successful pregnancy if you don't see anything in a gestational sac at 6w1d are low. They are not zero, but they are low. Yesterday we saw a big, oval gestational sac. That's all we saw for about 5 minutes. After lots of looking around for another sac, looking at the ovaries, focusing up and down, zooming in and out etc., we saw a smudge. A smudge that the sonographer measured and said: that might be the start of your embryo. It's not like there was something clear in there that was just too small. There was maybe something that was like a needle in a haystack to find, and could have been the wall of the sac just in a different plane. Frankly, I don't think the sonographer was sure that it was anything. It's not like she pointed at it and said - there's your fetal pole! She found it just before she was going to give up and measured it for the hell of it. We did not see a yolk sac.
Although the sonographer and the doctor I spoke to in the afternoon (bloody Dr Candour is on holiday AGAIN) both said not to give up, just as you have, it is hard not to despair. I tried to push the doctor to be realistic with me but she kept saying that it was common, although she would not say how common. What I know is IT IS NOT A GOOD THING. It may not mean it's definitely over, but it isn't in any way a hopeful sign. If something does show up next week with a heartbeat, it will be a slow growing embryo, much behind where it should be. That's not good. Don't get me wrong, an embryo measuring not too far off for dates with a heartbeat next week will have me jumping for joy. For at least five minutes until I start freaking out again.
Although after much googling I have not found any statistics (just a lot of articles about Wayne Rooney's foot (try googling: "six week scan" and see what comes up) and a lot of articles by people who can't spell on message boards saying things like: "we had no hrtbt at 6w or 7w and then at 8wks we saw an embryo although the doctor says its too small. The doctor says I'm going to miscarry but I'm trying not to be passamistic (sic) I'm trusting in Gd for a miracle. Don't give up") that say what the chances are, I'm betting it's below 10%. Thank you to everyone who has had this happen to them, Jenn, Nikole and Wendy (on a message board about my hospital). And Catherine, thank you for posting all that information. It does make a difference to know that there is some chance. But even that information said that we should have seen a yolk sac. We didn't.
The fact that there is a chance, however small, makes more of a difference to H than to me. Perhaps because it's a small chance and my life with infertility so far hasn't revolved around being lucky with statistics. He is just that bit more optimistic than I am. I guess it's not hard. And my experience of this cycle so far is that you all have been right to keep on hoping at each stage, when I seem to be floored by disaster as soon as it appears, however vaguely, on the horizon. Either way, it seems much more likely to me that the universe is fucking with me and H again - like Leggy's experiences with blighted ova. Does one blighted ovum a path to donor eggs make? I'm not ready for donor eggs. The whole experience yesterday was so cruel because actually, although I was terrified, I had decided that there was no reason to expect bad news. That the statistics were on our side. That I could hope. Last time I do that.
I did, of course, torture myself yesterday, and it seems that almost every other blog than those mentioned above had a heartbeat at the equivalent stage. Julie's pregnancy with Charlie, Pru's pregnancy, FisherQueen and Lori's recent pregnancies. I'm not posting any more because it's making me cry. If you look through each blog (and I had a good go at this yesterday) you don't end up with much succour.
I'm already calculating when I could cycle again. Probably September given my conservative clinic. I'm figuring out how we could do the Zoladex treatment again and if I'll need another lap. I am sending off my pack of info to Big Guns clinic this week. I'm very not ready to give up, even though part of me feels that I should. I have always always wanted to be a mother. I don't understand why the universe is making it so hard for me, but I am going to keep going until something makes it abundantly clear to me that I just have to find a different path.
*UPDATED TO ADD*
Finally had a no-holds barred converstation with a doctor, in this instance Dr Gorgeous. She agreed that the lack of a yolk sac was a problem. She thought that the fetal pole was a fetal pole, and that 3mm was 'ok'. The size of the gestational sac was good. She said that it was too early to tell, but that next week's scan would be definitive. She put our chances at 40:60 (after much pushing), where 40% is the chance of things going ok next week. At least now we know.