I'm still not bleeding. I don't think I will now until things are decided (or hopefully, not bleed at all), I think that the PIO is doing its job. I do have a constant, well, I think you'd have to call it a feeling more than anything else, in my lower abdomen. It's not exactly cramping, it's more a fullness, a constant reminder that something is going on there. We'll see.
I'm less of a basket case than I was earlier in the week. I've realised that the prospect of starting to bleed early again was really, genuinely terrifying me. Once that barrier was over I got a bit slap-happy. I realised that I was in danger of believing that it must have worked. That the removal of my biggest fear for this cycle meant that I was back in that state of hopeless optimism that many of us were in during our first cycles. Why should anything bad happen now, haven't we solved a bunch of issues that came up in the last cycle?
Then I felt crampy again on Friday afternoon and remembered what it was like to be freaked out. But to be honest, I think I am scarily hopeful right now. I had an incredibly vivid dream last night. I dreamt I was bleeding, that it was all over. I had to go to the hospital to get checked out. It was one of those dreams where nothing works quite right - cars kept taking me to the wrong place, I couldn't find H anywhere. After some happenings that I can't remember, Dr Condescending handed me a colour magazine opened to a double page spread which outlined a long, very detailed, very small font explanation of what was going on - with lots of feedback loops etc. - it was all to do with progesterone metabolism and natural killer cells. The font looked like handwriting, but wasn't. (why I can remember so much about fonts in my dream, I have no idea). One embryo had implanted, setting off a reaction, which caused the bleeding but somehow enabled the other embryo to secretly implant. Although then the first one had implanted, too, as my beta (carefully written into the middle of this complex tract) was 240. I was to be admitted to hospital in order to manage the immune response I was having, and my bed had to be turned to the wall, which I thought was funny. Then they told me that if I went home and stayed home that would probably be better than staying in the hospital.
A bunch of other stuff happened, too, which is just a vague memory, but the dream was very real. I don't believe in dreams as 'signs' in any way - after all, last time I spent the night before I started bleeding dreaming that I was pregnant - but it was nice to have such a positive outcome to a dream that started badly.
My current positivity is the reason that I think I'm wanting to pee on a stick. I still have the fantasy of showing it to H, of that being how I tell him that we are pregnant. Of course, I still might not be, but somehow that doesn't seem as real right now. But I do have a realist part of me that is telling me not to pee, that it's better to have two more days of hope before I get the bad news. I keep thinking about how I get through next week if I am pregnant, alternating with knowing how hard it will be if I am not. I have a big conference to go to on Wednesday and Thursday in Germany, and either it will be a case of trying to give myself the PIO shot while I'm there, or it will be coping with the post-IVF bleed. I'd rather it was the first, funnily enough.
In the meantime, Vanessa has had some bad news from her cycle, please go and give her some love - although her site sometimes doesn't load, do keep trying.
H needs me to go to the supermarket to get some stuff for dinner. The question is, will I manage to avoid the peesticks?