IVF, or perhaps infertility in general, has made my vague whisper of a superstition gene turn into a raging harpy. On the last cycle I regularly saw a single magpie out of the window of one of my clients' offices. It freaked me out every time, and I'd desparately peer out of the window, searching for that elusive second bird. Earlier this week I saw a single one again and,for an instant, lost all hope that this cycle would work. I've mentioned before my inner voice of tension which tells me regularly that we're not meant to have biological children, that because H speaks Chinese we clearly are supposed to adopt from there. I've given up all caffeine this time, not even my regular morning green tea has survived. I've been worrying because I'm not doing accupuncture and hoping that that is not a horrible mistake. Any ladders or black cats in my path are going to leave me a gibbering wreck.
A week ago I decided that perhaps I was being punished for a particular dark secret of mine that I had never told H. Perhaps the fact that I was withholding this information from him meant that I wasn't a fit parent and so the universe was withholding my fertility. So I confessed. He took it very well (no, I'm not going to tell you what it is). He was a little shocked, but he dealt with it well. It was such a relief, and such a vindication, yet again, that I married a marvellous man. Unfortunately the telling of this secret didn't magically relieve my tension, I'm still looking out for those damn birds. But it was the right thing to do, nonetheless.
What with all this insane stuff going on in my head, turning up at the clinic this morning was a regular laugh-a-minute. Again, I was so nervous I was shaking. We left home in a hurry, tense because I couldn't find the scan sheet I was sure they'd sent me home with last time. And after doing my Puregon injection in a frenzy of tear, wipe, click, turn, stick, push, withdraw, press. I was done in under a minute. Not bad going and such a change from the first injection last year. Luckily the clinic didn't seem to be too busy this morning, so they weren't that upset that we were five minutes late.
We saw a lovely new wand monkey. Dr Gorgeous should probably be her title, she was about 27, great hair, all the accessories in place, and generally quite charming. She was a bit awkward with the wand - how do some people manage to do the scan and you don't wince once, while others just seem to naturally hit the wrong angle? - but overall a good experience. Three follicles on the left, six on the right, all at about 7-8mm. While this hardly qualifies me for IVF superstardom, it's not too awful for day 5. It's sadly about the same as we got last time at this point, and some of them just didn't develop**. Of course we had no idea if the ovaries would respond at all given the Zoladex treatment, so perhaps I should count my blessings. I guess if we get six again, that will be ok. I was hoping for more, but we know that hoping doesn't get you anywhere in this game...
Dr Gorgeous did say that it looked quiet enough that they would probably not want me to start the antagonist today. I've got it with me just in case, it might be my first chance to do an injection at work, and why miss that opportunity for stress and stories.
* Updated with the news that my E2 is 253, which is about 68 US, LH is 0.3. The doctor said that they want E2 to be at 300 on day 5, and mine is only 15% off that, so they want to up the dose to 300mIU a day. Which is their maximum. This scares me. No where else to go after that dose. It also annoys me as I wanted to start on 300 and Dr Candour told me it was too high as that was their maximum dose and he didn't think I was ready for that. Oh well. They want me to start the orgalutran today so I've taken the first shot in the loo at work. Not my best effort, a big bubble of it came back out! I'm not too worried since I'll do another shot of it tomorrow morning.
No more interventions til Tuesday morning. I wanted to go in sooner, but on Monday I need to get to one of those 8am meetings so actually it works better if I don't have a clinic appointment to deal with as well. I should take this as a sign. A good sign. Tell me to relax, someone, please, and I promise not to shoot you!