I'm scared. As always, I'm worrying about the myriad things that could go wrong from here.
- I'm worried that I will have already ovulated before retrieval tomorrow
- I'm worried all those follicles will be empty tomorrow for some other reason
- I'm worried that they'll have eggs, but the eggs won't fertilise
- I'm worried that the eggs will fertilise, but then conk out before transfer
- I'm worried that we'll have embryos to put back at day 2, but that I won't get pregnant because day 2 is too early to tell if those are the right embryos
- I'm worried that I'll get mildly pregnant, with an unhopeful beta, and then miscarry
- I'm worried that I'll get pregnant, but that there will be nothing on the scan
- I'm worried that I'll get pregnant, and we'll see something at the scan, but that I'll miscarry after that
- After that, I'm just worried that something else awful will happen - horrible genetic problems, stillbirth, cot death
- Cheery type, aren't I?
Actually, anything after #6 seems quite unreal to me. I've been alternating between imagining myself pregnant, with being terrified about being pregnant, and with being terrified at how I will cope if we don't get pregnant. If I start bleeding at 8dp3dt again - or 9dp2dt it will be this time - it will be a Friday, and I'm pretty booked up on that day. Last time I was able to cry off from work and do phone calls from home, it will be harder to do that this time. The beta will be on a Monday, if we get that far. I wonder if I can get them to do it on a Sunday, instead? They keep telling me they don't get blood results at the weekend, but that seems impossible. Perhaps they just don't get non-urgent stuff? I'll have to ask tomorrow.
I also have to ask tomorrow how to do the PIO injections. H is very nervous about doing them, but is prepared to suck it up if he has to, but he's going to need a nurse to hold his hand - metaphorically of course - for the first one.
I did do a Puregon injection yesterday morning. The doctor hadn't given me a clear downside reason, so I did 250 instead of 300, as a compromise. That nearly-finished 900mIU cartridge was just sitting there in the fridge, taunting me. Afterwards I freaked out and wished I hadn't done it, but it was all too late. Please, universe, let this not be my undoing. This is the direct cause of #1 above. It was so very hubristic of me, that I'm now waiting for my Nemesis to arrive. That's the way it always works, right? Only perhaps with all the hubris in the world, I could be let off the hook this time? Let's hope so.
I'll post the news from my blackberry tomorrow.