Dr Candour did get back to me, and confirmed what Millie and others told us in the comments on my last post: In an Antagon cycle, you are messing directly with the level of oestrodiol, so there is little point in measuring E2 levels. He did say that they would want to know if there was an LH surge, so I wrote back to ask how they were going to know that if they didn't take any blood, but he hasn't responded yet. As I said in the last post, I know that if I just show up and put a tick in the 'blood' column, they'll take blood so I'm not that worried. And again, what I find frustrating is that it takes so little effort to give me the rationale behind their decisions, yet it is only Dr Candour who ever bothers to explain it - everyone else just fobs me off. Am I so wierd, wanting to understand what is happening to me?
Don't answer that one, please.
I'm alternating between terrified of what happens if this doesn't work, excited at DOING something, and bored with waiting to get started. Not to mention consumed with anger and jealousy at those who are pregnant. I've made it to one day of our corporate boondoggle this week, and of course loads of the women are pregnant, and those who aren't are busy talking about their children. And there's no reason why they shouldn't, but it makes me want to slit my wrists. And then I feel guilty for being a horrible cow.
I'm also very, pathetically, fragile. While I am always someone who cries at the proverbial Kodak commercial, it's worse than usual. We had a presentation today from someone who works for a not-for-profit that aims to improve the lot of pre-school children across the globe. The short video they showed of the work they were doing in countries as diverse as South Africa, Northern Ireland, Bangladesh, Israel, Palestine, the US, and the Netherlands, reduced me to tears. In a crowd of 600 of my most senior colleagues. Not of course that anyone noticed, but I did feel like a basket case. Just to be clear, it's wasn't - at least consciously - a feeling of "there goes what I will never have" but instead just a signal of the emotional knife-edge on which I continually teeter. It's like it takes all my energy just to stay on that edge, so the slightest knock puts me right over the edge. And it's hard work crawling back up.
It's been a long time coming, this cycle. Four of us had transfers within a day of each other back in November. Lindy and Caroline are now 24 weeks pregnant. 24 weeks!! That's more than half way through and close to viability. S and I are still waiting to even cycle again. There's something wrong in that equation. Not wrong for Lindy and Caroline but oh how hard it is for me to read their blogs. I want to be happy for them, for all those women around me who are getting pregnant, but it's hard to stay focused on other people's happiness when I am so obsessed with what we don't have. And I don't know how we will ever get it.