I've been so bloody miserable on here that I'm a little embarassed. I've also been bloody miserable in every day life, but that is always mixed in with things that are going well, so it is a bit less unremitting than my posts have seemed. Maybe it's something to do with the continuous dull grey weather we've been having, but I'm just finding myself dragging more and more, and I have absolutely no resilience to the pregnancy drive-bys.
I had a bad day of it on Friday, starting with seeing someone I was at school with, who is now a famous film star, glorying in her pregnancy on the front page of the paper (and coincidentally knocking 4 years off her age). Then during the day there were three different pregnancy announcements in three different meetings, ("Oh yes, it's a honeymoon baby, we're so delighted!"). Then, at a drinks party that evening, a colleague asked me if I could help a more junior colleague with her promotion papers. "Because it's twins, you see, so it's really important that she gets promoted this time". TWINS! Now the colleague who was asking me this knows about our infertility, so a teensy bit of sensitivity might have been nice. The woman who is pregnant with twins has been married for over two years and I know took a chunk of time off this summer, perhaps in a bid for pregnancy, so it's quite possible that the twins are IVF twins. But still, it completely floored me. Luckily I was on my way out of the party at that point, so managed to get out and get in a taxi before collapsing into tears.
Then I read Wessel's news and that made me really sad too. Not to mention the trolls having a go at Mare. If only we could get back to that period just before Christmas where it seemed the fertility fairy had, for once, looked kindly in our community's general direction. Since Christmas it just seems to have been one bad news story after another. I'm crying out for something that will make the tide turn. Perhaps we could sacrifice some skinny fertile SILs? Or collectively burn our peesticks, stomp on the bbt thermometers? No? Well, any ideas, let me know.
I've of course neglected to tell you about the good things of the last few weeks. Like the birthday that H planned for me, which included breakfast cooked by him and served on a beautifully laid table, complete with a single red rose in a crystal vase that used to be my grandmother's. Our trip away for my birthday weekend to a lovely hotel by the sea, where I had a wonderful massage, a less good facial but a fantastic several hours of being whipped by the wind and the sea spray as we walked along the cliffs and the beach. Lunch in a greasy cafe on the beach, contrasted with dinner in a Michelin-starred restaurant. Presents that included a beautiful necklace and a very chic black ipod, which I've just spent this weekend loading up with CDs. It's great to rediscover music that I haven't listened to for ages as I'm away from home too much and too lazy to take CDs with me. I had to restrain myself from singing in the tube on Friday morning as I listened to "Into the Woods" - that's the problem with me and music, I'm not content to listen, I always want to sing, and that's probably pretty irritating to those around me.
In addition work is very busy, which is not so great, but is mostly good. I have great teams which takes the stress off me, and it's becoming clearer where my focus should be for the next year or so. I have a new assistant who is much much better than the old one, and she is already improving my life. We also got good news about my nephew. He's very very small, and has been checked out several times by the posh doctors over the last three years (he is nearly four) to see what the story is. Finally we have a diagnosis, and it is that he has growth delay. That is, he's 18 months behind where he should be on his growth - but consistently 18 months behind. That's not great, but it's much better than if he had dwarfism and was going to end up really small, too. He will be very small for his age until he's about 17 or so, when he'll have a delayed pubertal growth spurt, and actually end up reasonably tall at about 5'9" or so. Fantastic news.
Tomorrow my father will be 70, and we're all going to a very good restaurant indeed to celebrate. I'm sure it will be a wonderful meal, I just hope my brother can keep the tales of my gorgeous nephew a little in check. Not that I don't love my nephew, you understand, it's just the general fragility of my emotional health right now.
Tomorrow we also see Dr Candour and make a decision about our next steps. I'm clear that I think we should do the lap. Which puts us, if they can schedule the lap fast so that we only miss one cycle, doing retrieval sometime in mid-April. Boy oh boy how do I wait til then?