The results are in and...it's negative. Which is good, right? So why do I feel so sad again? I honestly wasn't that bad yesterday, much as my post seems to have come over that way. But today getting the "I'm sorry it's negative" call made me cry.
I keep having these moments where I think, "I get it now." But then I have another one 24 hour later. "Oh yes, NOW I get it." I'm wondering how long this process of getting it is going to take. It reminds me of being in therapy where I'd talk about a particular issue for weeks and weeks, and finally come to the realisation of what it was all about. Then we'd move onto the next issue. And we'd discuss that for weeks and weeks, and I'd finally come to the realisation of what that was all about. And it would be the same thing, again. A couple of rounds of this and I started to feel really stupid. How could I not have made those connections myself? Why did this all take so long?
I came to the conclusion that made me feel slightly better. I saw this as one long process of peeling the layers off an onion. An onion where the spade had made a scar in it as it was being dug up. So when you examined the surface of the onion, from close quarters, you'd see the skin, and then you'd come across the scar. When you peeled off the skin, the next layer down would be different so you'd take time to explore that, and then you'd come across the scar only this time it would look different again. And so on. Each time the angle is different, the realisation is different, but it's still the same onion.
And of course, peeling onions makes me cry, so that's appropriate.
So I'm here, wondering how many more layers this particular onion has to go before, finally, I get it. Before I finally, at a deep emotional level, come to terms with the fact that I was pregnant. Not completely, just a little. But I was, and now I'm not. And there was no baby in between.