Obligatory bloodtest this morning. It felt so pointless and reduced me to a quivering wreck again on the way home. We've never been to the hospital before where there's no possibility of good news. I persuaded them not to call either of us on our mobiles but to just leave a message on the home machine, which we can't check remotely. I didn't want either of us to have to hear more bad news in the middle of a work day where we were just getting back on a sort-of even keel.
Around six my mobile rang. I saw it was H and ignored it as I was in a meeting. It rang again. Then my desk phone rang. Then the mobile rang again. I excused myself and answered it. We all know what I thought it might be. Instead it was :H saying he was locked out. I promised to be home by 8 and he went to a cafe to work.
I spoke to one of my best friends on the way home to tell her our sad news. I was still on the phone as I walked into the house. H met me on the steps and carried my bag in. I kept talking while he listened to the message. He kept making faces at me to get off the phone but I didn't want to cut my friend off. Eventually we said goodbye and H handed me the phone. I listened to the message. It was Dr ICU. Which meant it was hard to understand.
So the message? Well the nub of it is that my blood test is either “five” or “fine”. It is definitely “weakly positive” (indicating that “five” is the more likely), and I have to come in again in a week to see if it has gone down to negative level, which is “more than likely” or “maybe likely”, or whether it has “continued to rise.”
No hopping about, please. I will put money on it being 5. I am clearly not pregnant. Honestly I have bled too much for it to be anything but a negative result. But I wonder where that 5 came from. Does this mean that a poor embryo was trying to hang on while its environment disintegrated around it? Could it mean that if I'd had mega doses of progesterone it might still be there?
I will call them tomorrow and attempt interpretation. It would have been better if it had been negative. “Or positive,” H said. I asked if he had been hoping for that. He had. I had not. Sure, I'd experimented with the idea but I just can't imagine how an embryo could be hanging on through this deluge.
So no, I'm not pregnant. But it looks as if, for about five minutes, I was.