A few brief updates
- Nausea/Headache: Much better. Haven't really had another bout since Thursday, although I did wake up with a bit of a headache today. The water is, I think, the trick. So I'm peeing ALL THE TIME, but you know, I can cope with that
- I am, however, very tired. Slept for 10 hours on Friday night, and had a two hour nap today. Not sure if that's the drugs, or just life, but it's hard to cope with during the working week
- Diet: No wheat, day 5. I've only had trace amounts of dairy (I ate some asparagus at lunch in a hotel, then realised it had butter on it), and just naturally ocurring sugar in the fruit I eat since then, too. I'm feeling ok on it. I haven't lost any weight but surely at some point I must do, given that this pretty much eliminates most of my snacking opportunities? Maybe that's linked to the drugs? I'm ok to keep doing this for a while, it seems worth it if I'm feeling ok and not too deprived.
One reason I'm not feeling too deprived is that I found some good non-wheat bread. It's from the Terence Stamp collection. He's a british actor who had real food issues, and got frustrated with not being able to eat bread, and so experimented until he found a recipe that works. I don't like it straight off the loaf, as it's got a slightly spongy texture, but it firms up nicely when toasted.
- Workshop: Went very well, thank you. Didn't go how we expected it to, but that's ok, they never do. The client was happy and I was happy with the contributions everyone made, so that's ok
- Next scan is tomorrow morning, keep your fingers crossed for a few good looking follicles. It's only day 5, so I'm not sure what I should be expecting, but let's hope it's good news. I've told everyone at work I'm taking the whole of Halloween week off, just to be on the safe side, and I'll look pretty bloody stupid if the cycle gets cancelled after that.
I think it's time for a confession. I'm obsessing about the infertility/getting pregnant. Of course you are, I hear you say. We all are. It's overwhelming. But I am really obsessing. To the extent that I'm shortchanging my job somewhat. My job demands a lot of thinking time, and is pretty self directed. There are meetings I need to go to, etc., and deliverables to deliver, and I certainly haven't missed any of those, but I'm not going the extra mile in the way I used to. And of course, this makes the job less rewarding. My teams sense that I'm not throwing myself into it in the way I used to, and this makes them less invested in me as a leader. Some of my colleagues clearly think I'm not devoting myself to this as I should. And I am feeling guilty about not volunteering for some of the extra duties that come with my job, I'm letting others do them. This means that I'm mostly getting home for dinner at about eight or so, or sometimes earlier, rather than nine or ten as often happened previously. I'm also not getting in at eight every morning. If I don't have early meetings I'm taking it easy at home and having breakfast, and getting in around nine or so. Before when I got in that late it was because I'd been to the gym first, but not at the moment. I get up and feel as if I deserve to have the morning I want to have, not the morning that my job guilts me into having.
It's not a good feeling. I feel guilty for not giving my job my all, at the same time as I feel resentful that my job demands so much from me. And I feel doubly guilty because I can get away with not giving my job my all. No one is really checking up on me every day. If I coast for a long time, my evaluator will spot it and it will be reflected in my rating next summer, but I don't think I'm coasting to such a large extent right now. As I said, I'm doing what I need to do to deliver good service, I'm just not doing it with my heart and soul. And that feels like I'm not doing a good enough job.
One of my problems is that I was planning on getting out of one of my client situations by disappearing on maternity leave for a while, then not getting back into it when I came back. It's a situation that I find stressful to work in, largely because of one of the colleagues I have to work with. But of course that maternity leave hasn't materialised so I need to move to plan B, but until last week there was no plan B. On Thursday, however, the problematic colleague raised the issue of my long term commitment with me, and I got the courage to bring up why I wasn't feeling 100% committed. We at least started the conversation, and agreed to continue it. Luckily in the first six months of this year I did a really bang-up job with this client so I've got some brownie points to spend.
Maybe what I need to do is to give up the guilt, and just say that I'm going to have a less than stellar year, performance-wise, at my job. They won't fire me, and I'm not even performing that badly. I can perform better when I'm in a better place. And those fantasies I have of having some very non-stressy job? Maybe when I'm in a better place in the rest of my life, it's time to get those fantasies out, think about the consequences for our lifestyle, and start exploring them a bit harder. Until I'm in a better place with the infertility I don't want to do that, however, since it's hard to separate how much of the ennui I'm feeling about my job is related to how down I feel about life in general since not being able to conceive. I need to remember, from time to time, that I used to love my job, and I'm bloody good at it when I want to be. It may be that my job isn't the right job for me any more, but I'm not in any fit place to make that decision yet. And they have very generous maternity leave!
In the time that working less devotedly creates I am blogging more, reading your sites, and spending a bit more time with H, just talking. I've found that this community of blogs is very sustaining, and very absorbing. It's a priority most days for me to check in on you all to see how you are doing. It keeps me up perhaps a bit later at night than it should. It's helped so much to have this online succour, but perhaps it's become too absorbing? When I first moved to the US I got very involved in irc. I was so lonely that I really needed a community, and I found one on irc. I had relationships on there. I don't think it was damaging, but it did become much less important when I found real life friends through bookgroup. I'm spending a similar amount of time each day reading and writing on your blogs to that I spent 10 years ago on irc. I'm worried it's become too much, that it's not really my real life, it's an online community and I should recognise it as such. But I feel that you are my community, my community of people who understand what I am going through, and no one in real life really gets that right now. Should I give up that link? That support?
I'm not ready to give it up, don't get me wrong. But I am thinking about whether I should give it a bit less. Perhaps now isn't the time to make that decision. I need to get through this cycle, then see how I cope with the world that the cycle leads me to. Until then, thanks for being my succour.