That was quite a run of posts that didn't talk about my cycle - did you notice? I think that's because there's not much to say when all you're doing is injecting yourself in the stomach every morning, sometime between 0630 and 0715. I actually stretched it to 0725 this morning, because I'm a rebel. I am, by turns, massively optimistic that we'll be pregnant by mid-November, and desperately upset and worried that it won't work and that it will never work. I'm guessing that's normal. H. is doing his usual thing of being constantly, but not overbearingly, optimistic. By day 3 he even managed to look at me while I was injecting myself. I got a kiss afterwards. I think he'd like to do more but he hasn't volunteered to do the spiking, and frankly, I'd rather do it myself, control freak that I am.
H is being quite wonderful. Everytime I read about someone else's partner who isn't being helpful, or think about those who are going through this alone, I thank my lucky stars that H is keen, supportive, and understands me well enough to know what I need. Two recent conversations have earnt him serious gold stars. On the first, we were walking home from the gym a few weeks ago, when the conversation turned to adoption. He explained that he was open to it in the future, although he wanted us to try this route first. When I asked him why his response to adoption was so enthusiastic, he said:
"Well, for someone to give up their child for adoption, it must mean that they really think that someone else can raise their child better than they can. It must be an extreme situation that gets them to that point. And I think, well, it would be a privilege to raise the child of someone who thinks that way. To try to live up to that challenge."
I thought that was a good way to think about it. I'm not in a place when I can feel excited about adoption, but I'm glad that he is. Having said that, I saw a couple in synagogue with a daughter they probably adopted from China. She was beautiful. I thought of all those I know on line who've gone that route, and thought about how maybe it would be as wonderful an experience for us as it is/has been for them. But not yet.
The second conversation with H was where we were deciding on plans for the next few weekends. He loves the country so I asked him if he wanted to plan to be away the weekend after we find out our IVF results. He thought a little, then responded No. I asked him why, and he said:
"Well, if it's positive it won't matter where we are. And if it's negative you're going to want to curl up on the sofa and watch crappy tv, so we should be here." I thought that was pretty smart of him.
I hope this doesn't feel like I'm boasting. I just want to remind myself of how, in many ways, I should count myself lucky. So far so good on this cycle as I don't seem to have gone insane yet. Not sure how he will cope when I do, but I have been warning him so hopefully he is ready. Suppression scan is on Tuesday, then hopefully I can start with the good drugs.
On that point, I've been thinking about how unfair the world is to us - you know, with the vast amounts of money we have to pay to the doctors, and the ignorant comments and the legal barriers and regulation and, and...and I have come up with partial recompense. You know how, during a
sirocco, mistral, oppressive hot wind in the south of france they say that after 14 days you can murder your wife and get away with it (I've tried to google a link to this but can't find one. I know I read it in a novel but there's not much chance of me remembering which one - any offers?)? I reckon we need to petition for some new laws that say that after 10 days on stims you can:
- Throw plates at your husband
- Stab anyone who tells you to just relax
- Run your car into any driver who even thinks about cutting you off
- Travel without paying on public transport (you think we haven't paid enough already?)
- Get out of any difficult situation (what parking ticket, officer?) by bursting into tears
- Feel free to add your own
I'm only speculating, mind you, given I haven't yet experienced this joyous state. But I'm taking a signal from my trainer, who, this morning, told me that she didn't want to see me for two weeks while I'm on the good drugs. "You can come back as soon as they've done the transfer," she said, "but I'm not going to have you running around here while you're insane." I thought that was very encouraging of her.
What have you guys done about time off work at the egg retrieval stage? My diary is filling up but I don't really know which days I should be worried about. Did you block off a week and just fill it up later if you didn't need the time off? Or go sick at the last minute? I haven't got anything in there yet that I can't cancel, but obviously I don't want to let people down. I did tell one of my clients last week that I might not be able to do the workshop he wanted me to do on 2 November. He asked if I was ok in a very concerned tone, and I said yes, nothing life threatening, and he looked relieved. He made it clear that he either wants me or no one from my company, which is quite flattering but not so easy to explain to my colleagues.
Have to go so we can finally choose our cutlery - wedding present from my father. Wedding present company sent the wrong stuff, now we get to choose again. Not a bad deal.