Wow. Thank you so much for yesterday's comments. Your ideas were gratefully received. Last night, we tried fooling around for a while but H was just getting more and more tense. I offered him the cup and syringe method, and he at first declined as he felt like a failure for doing so. After 30 minute or so he gave in and went away and did the deed, returning with what he called a 'special delivery'. As I injected the sperm (5ml syringe, no needle), I thought of our lesbian friends, T and S, and how they'd done something like this for a few months each before conceiving their son and daughter (2 years apart).
I haven't yet had an LH surge, so we have time for more tries after H can get the drugs on Monday. Blood on Friday said my LH level was 3.0, and I've been peeing on OPKs ever since, and they are all clearly negative. I bought the wrong brand unfortunately. I've always used the digital ones, although I take them apart afterwards and examine the lines. This time I picked up the basic ones by mistake, which was a bit irrirating. But the test line is clearly shadowy - almost invisible until 5 mins or so after I've taken the test, so I'm pretty sure I'm reading them right. Should I give myself the ovitrell shot? I thought I might as well wait to have my own surge.
Re wessell's question on H and ambivalence. No, he's not ambivalent about having a baby. He is, however, messed up about the impotence. He's seen a counsellor on and off about this problem for nearly 2 years, and I've also gone with him on a few occasions, but once it starts working for a few tries he stops going. Then the problem recurs - which might be ok if he could just forget it and move on - but instead he freaks out and the problem is back to stay. That's happened twice now. The counsellor got very cross with him the first time it happened, because he had told H to keep coming and discussing the issues, but H had heard: "You're fixed, don't come back". The counsellor said that H was a lazy thinker who just wanted the difficult things to go away, and so heard what he wanted to hear.
I discussed that issue with H last night and he agreed. Every time I try to discuss what's going on with him and this issue, he tells me he doesn't want to talk about it - that this is not a good time. But it's never a good time, that's the problem. On the occasions we have been able to talk about it I've said so much to him about this: that I love him no matter what, that it's worked in the past (on our wedding night and on honeymoon he had no problem, even without drugs), that I'll do what it takes to help him. Nothing seems to help.
He has an appointment with a new counsellor when we get back from holiday. He's cancelled it twice for work, I just hope he doesn't cancel it again. It's not about the conception, really, we can do that other ways as you guys pointed out, it's about us having a strong marriage which can survive anything. I am convinced he is the man for me, but I think a marriage needs a sexual connection, and he's lost that confidence.
This sadly meant that he was in a bad mood for the rest of the evening because we'd resorted to using the syringe. It is the old cliche - he felt like less of a man, having to do that. In the end I left him to watch motorbikes, and came upstairs to read some more blogs. I'm sad for him but don't know how to help him with this. In the end, I can't make his brain ok about this. Only he can do that.