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Sunday, 03 July 2005

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Panda

This is exactly what I've been thinking of late, and you've expressed it so beautifully.

You're right, of course, in that we *dont* feel that the death of a six year old is worse than that of a two year old, and yet there *does* seem to be a hierarchy of loss when it comes to miscarriage.

Among my friends, none of whom have dealt with infertility, my miscarriage at 6 weeks was no big deal really. To me, it was still the loss of my child. My longed-for, beloved child. At 6 weeks or 36weeks or 6 months old or 45, its STILL YOUR CHILD.

The grief that we feel at the arrival of another period, or a negative Beta, or an unsuccessful IVF/IUI cycle, thats the grief of what could have been. And it can be just as powerful as the grief of losing a child.

There is no rationality when it comes to grief. You just have to hang on. To what I'm not sure.

reprogirl

Not getting preg on my last IUI was definitely way less awful than what Danae's going through. No question. So you are officially allowed to feel much, much more sorry for her than for me.

There is one thing I've gone through that was really awful and in a way felt even more so because it had no place on the hierarchy of grief, and that was NOT trying for a baby. During all the (many) years when I was alone and not yet able to afford to start trying on my own, and the (brief) time when I was with a man who didn't want to start trying yet, I felt such a terrible sense of loss and fear - the loss of my fertile years slipping away without my being able to do anything about it. But that's a sadness that can hardly even be explained. Trying and not winning is crappy, but at least now I am able to DO something. Miscarrying was awful, truly truly dreadful, but I am grateful for that experience - I had a baby inside me, and there were so many years when I thought I might never be able to say that.

Oh well. I hope we will all be able to compare our places on the hierarchy of joy, some day soon.

InSpring

I've never compared. I feel the pain that's expressed, I feel the loss, every single one. Such great women, the kinds of women kids deserve to have as mothers.

Amanda

One thing I've learned through all of this is that's it's not a pain contest. Everyone dealing with this crap feels pain.

With that said, I can tell you that different parts of this have been more painful than others for me personally. Getting a BFN on an IVF cycle is so much more difficult than on a natural cycle. Getting a BFN on IVF #4 is much more painful than getting a BFN on IVF #1. I think the closer you get to "the end" the harder things become. For me, having options makes things more bearable. When I've exhausted those options, (and I'm getting close) that's when things get even tougher. It all suck, though. All of it.

Amanda

That should be "sucks." Can you tell I'm doped up on Lupron?

Sarah

I know exactly what you mean - I often wonder about this stuff myself. Once, when I had a miscarriage, people at the hospital asked me if I had any other children at home, as if saying that I did would somehow make my loss less of a loss, or different, or something. Tragedy and sadness is what it is for the one who is experiencing it, which is, of course, the most important aspect of it. The one who goes through it has to deal with it and learn to understand it....

Em

Excellent post and very though-provoking. Until I went and had some counselling and attended a healing weekend, I thought I had no right to grieve over the abortion I had in my early twenties. But I really needed to. I still fear people judging me but I am a lot more accepting now of myself and other people since I have started to deal with it and also since I've been going through the IF stuff.

zarqa

Interesting points. I know for me the connection to my son only grew stronger and stronger the longer he was with me. At 10 weeks I hardly knew him (I still loved him then of course and wanted him, but I didn't know him yet) At 37 weeks I not only knew him, when he slept, when he woke, what made him wiggle, I was beginning to imagine his face. And by that time we had surrounded ourselves with a crib, car seat, all the "stuff". I lost his twin at 10 weeks. I lost him at 37 weeks. Yes, there was a big (gapingly huge)difference in the intensity of my grief between these two losses.

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